Top of the Pops: Christmas 2019

Top of the Pops is back once again for Christmas. You can watch it on the iPlayer if you missed it, here's what happened:

Mabel - Don't Call Me Up

Her mother Neneh Cherry has just appeared on Top of the Pops 1988. You can tell this is live because her singing is dreadful. I recall her being called the queen of R&B last year but this doesn't sound very R&B to me, maybe she's the queen of whatever crap this is this year.

James Blunt - Cold

What is James Blunt doing on here? He hasn't had a Top 40 hit for years, this wasn't a Top 40 hit either. I do recall his recent music being questions nobody knew the answer to on Popmaster. Maybe they just have anyone with an acoustic guitar on thanks the Ed Sheeran factor.

Jax Jones ft Ella Henderson - This Is Real

I guess a Christmas Top of the Pops isn't complete these days without Jax Jones and of course it has to be a collaboration. Sounds like the usual generic pap he usually puts out. He keeps shouting into the microphone too, please stop.

Time for the Top 10 records of the year from 10-6:

10. Shawn Mended - Camila Cabello - Senorita
9. Meduza ft Goodboys - Piece of Your Heart
8. Mabel - Don't Call Me Up
7. Stormzy - Vossi Bop
6. Ava Max - Sweet But Psycho


Jack Savoretti - Christmas Morning

After losing many points on Popmaster by being unable to identify his recent songs, I finally actually hear a Jack Savoretti song. I would never have heard of him if it wasn't for Popmaster, the BBC are really trying to push him here given he's never had a Top 40 hit. To be honest I don't think I'd be able to identify this song in the future, its boring as fuck.

Sigala ft Becky Hill - Wish You Well

Haven't we already heard this one today? Oh no that was Jax Jones. Here we have a Jax Jones clone at his keyboard with a crappy singer. At least he isn't shouting into the microphone though.

Lewis Capaldi - Someone You Loved

They weren't wrong when he appeared on last years Top of the Pops and they predicted he would have a bright 2019. Having never had a Top 40 hit, he's now had 5 including this which topped the charts. I was expecting him to have an acoustic guitar with him, but no it's him singing with a man on the piano. We really weren't lucky to have him back, that song was depressing.

Lil Nas X ft Billy Ray Cyrus & Miley Cyrus - Old Town Road

We're at Glastonbury now with the record that topped the US charts forever. I never thought we'd see Billy Ray Cyrus on Top of the Pops again, but here he is with his annoying daughter collaborating with Lil Nas X. A country/rap crossover record, as awful as it sounds. Stick to "Achy Breaky Heart".

Labrinth - Something's Got To Give

Another one that never made the Top 40, this is the 3rd one now. Apparently if we haven't got up dancing yet then this one is guaranteed to get us dancing. Well no, I'm not dancing. This is bloody awful.

Dermot Kennedy - Outnumbered

I was wondering when Ed Sheeran would be on, oh hang on this isn't Ed Sheeran, it's another one of his clones. Who are these people that listen to crap like this? Even he was looking bored by the end of the song.

Time for the Top 10 records of the year from 5-1:

5. Calvin Harris ft Rag N Bone Man  - Giant
4. Billie Eilish - Bad Guy
3. Ed Sheeran ft Justin Bieber - I Don't Care
2. Lil Nas X ft Billy Ray Cyrus - Old Town Road
1. Lewis Capaldi - Someone You Loved

Joel Corry ft Hayley May - Sorry

Take a UK Garage classic and turn it into some crap that sounds like Jax Jones and you get this. Joel Corry has a microphone too, he's lots of other things apart from a DJ apparently, I just hope he's better at doing those other things.

Script - Last Time

This year has seen a huge amount a rap music in the Top 40, but instead we seem to be alternating between cheesy dance music and depressing crap, this being the latter. This is probably the worst song we've had so far, that's really saying something.

AJ Tracey ft Jorja Smith - Ladbroke Grove

We finally get a record that's more representative of what's been in the Top 40 this year. This one isn't bad actually, definitely the best one we've had so far.

Tom Walker - Just You & I

Quite predictably we get another Ed Sheeran clone, though he seems to have developed a Jamaican accent.

Freya Ridings - Castles

The singing just never stops on this one and it's irritating.

Ladbaby - I Love Sausage Rolls

Ladbaby is Christmas number one again with his piss take version of "I Love Sausage Rolls". Once again, despite the fact it's supposed to be shit it's still better than most of what we've heard on the show.